Oh, Hi!
It has been a while.
*Dusts out old stool to sit on*
So, how has all my phantom friends been? Well, I hope. There’s no one around these parts anymore. In the virtual world and in real life too. Funny how things work out decades later. The strongest of friendships have simmered down to an annual ‘Happy Birthday’ and a scattered ‘How’s life?’, if you are lucky.
Wow, it’s been 14+ years since I wrote my last post. It appears I had moved to a different site but I can’t seem to recover anything from back then. Sabby’s Leaf seems to be the only site I have kept over the years. Which is very bizarre for a serial eraser like me. I just couldn’t get myself to delete these very angsty posts from a very dark couple of years of my life. Everything seems so mundane decades later.
I am sitting in an double storey building, at my little corner desk and I am the only person in the building. I am here, while everyone else is on holiday, because I am meant to be writing a Sustainability Plan as I am the Bid Manager for a large tender but obviously, my mind wandered. Oh yeah, I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, OCD and Anxiety. This reflective post to 16 year old me makes hell of a lot more sense now.
I have been reading through the old posts on here and trying my best not to cringe. I have been failing miserably because everything is so very cringe worthy. The funny thing is (I use the word ‘funny’ extremely facetiously), our little worlds used to revolve around these blogs, comments and all the faceless people. We all had ‘real lives’ we needed to escape from and while it may seem cringe now that we are all ‘grown up’, I think this form of escapism may have saved a lot of us. I know it saved me. Despite all the magnified hurt, joy and anger, it was a good outlet to have and I don’t regret most of it. I think.
So, what has everyone been up to? How has life been? Mine has been…okay! Lots and lots of ups, even more downs. Lots of mediocrity, lots of unimaginable moments, lots of heartbreak, lots of life, in general.
Highlight reel:
– I turned 36 last month. I don’t feel a day over 20 though. I don’t mean it in a flippant ‘I feel so young’ kinda way. I mean it in the ‘I have not done anything with my life’ kinda way.
– I have moved countries and settled on the South Coast of a very large Island. It’s good here but do I feel like this is home? Trauma induced by being a third culture kid means it’ll take me a hell of a long time to actually believe that I belong somewhere. My parents spent years overseas, sacrificing family and home, to give us a better life and we come out of it with trauma. Go Figure.
– I finished my Masters 10 years ago. In a field I have not stepped foot in, in any way or form. What a waste of money but hey, I have a pointless and expensive piece of paper, right?! It’s a true testament to how I really shouldn’t be influenced by other people with major life decisions.
– On a related note, I have a decent job, doing something I kind of like doing, in an area I did not study in or have experience in so yeah, really think about what you want to study at University, kids!
– I am married to a wonderful man. He is perfectly imperfect to me. Did I get my fairy tale romance that the 16 year old me envisioned? Nope, not even close. Actually, far from it. But am I in a stable relationship with a man who has relatively calmed my wild, Sagittarius nature? 100% Did I settle by not waiting for the grand romance? Sometimes, when we are going through a rough patch, I do wonder if I did but then my dodgy dating history rears it’s head and slaps me in the face with memories and I will take these downs any day of the week compared to some of the men I had infatuations with/dated.
– We bought/built a home last year. How very grown up.
– I don’t have kids. I have decided to be Child Free. Do I let my mind wander sometimes about what it could have/could be like? Sure. But do I think it’s realistic for me, with my situation, to have kids? Nope, not at all.
– Am I in touch with anyone from this neck of the woods? Nope. Only Jerry, twice a year, for our birthdays. Everyone’s all grown up and dealing with their own personal dilemmas. Sometimes I wonder – would it be better to have the woes and worries that we did when we were in our 20s or to have the demons that we do now?
– Do I still write? No, no I do not. I have started several blogs since I wrote this but nothing that I stuck to because I don’t think writing is the outlet that it once was for me. It may be the ADHD talking but I believe we go through stages and I left that stage in late 2000s. But I still enjoy writing for the heck of it so here we are.
– Have I gotten over what happened when I was 8? No, it’s probably gotten worse, to be completely honest. It has manifested on to various aspects of my life and really influenced my relationship with men. However, I have recognised what it has been doing to me for many, many years and I am starting to work on letting it make me stronger. Baby steps.
So, why am I here then? I am not sure.
I do love writing and I have been told I am good at it, albeit, in a more professional sense now than back in my nonsensical days. I still like my music and reading the lyrics of songs I like. I do still watch a lot of movies. I am still a prolific reader (and even own a Kindle now *shock, horror*).
I am all the things I was 14, 20 years ago plus; a little bit wiser, few more wrinkles, sprinkling more cracks in my heart, healthy number of mental illnesses, slightly richer, a wee bit more well-travelled and a fraction heavier (Ha!).
In 2023, as I try to adopt healthier habits and unlearn bad ones, I hope that writing is one I adopt a bit more seriously. To vent, like I did, to reconnect, like I did, and to rediscover good music, like I did.
New Decade, Old Me 