How much heartbreak can a single human take before they shatter, through and through?!
Seriously, how much hurt is a person capable of putting up with? Because I think I am reaching the cracking point, the site of all the crash and burns. One blow after another for one whole year. It drains a person and I am thoroughly exhausted.
I know I say I am strong, I adjust at the end of each and every change, with the help of a few tears and a lot of strained thoughts but I am human and I hurt. Right now, it hurts. And I know I’ll never be the same.
If it had been just an isolated event, it would be fine. I could probably deal with it. But it’s everything that has ever been, it’s the sum of a whole year and everything is linked. One stray thought leads to another, one event leads to another and it’s one after the other and that’s a whole lot of heartbreak for a single person. That’s a whole lot of heartbreak for me.
I will get over this. I will not let this break me. I will NOT break over a boy. There are a lot of deep, ugly scars but I will NOT let that bring me down.
But I am so tired. I could sleep forever.
Sleep doesn’t come easy though, it won’t come easy for a while yet.
“Forever and ever
The scars will remain
I’m fallin’ apart
Leave me here forever in the dark”
‘Give me a sign’ – Breaking Benjamin
If someone had given me a million bucks and asked me to guess how it was all going to happen a year ago, I wouldn’t get out of it any richer. I would have never guessed this was how it would unravel. But people come into your life for a season and the summer breeze that ours was, is long gone. I tried to hold on to it by wearing summer dresses but the chill eventually gets to you.
Everything that could possibly be said has been put out there, there’s nothing much left to say and there’s really no need for anymore words. They are all redundant now.
Like I said, I really am sorry it all had to happen this way, that it had to end like this. Wish I could have done something more or something a little less so that it didn’t have to be this bitter, so that it didn’t have to feel this wrong. But I can’t anymore.
Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. Eventually. I know you will be too, atleast better because you have clearly been fine for a while now.
Oh yeah, so my answer to the question you asked six months ago is:
Six months from now, you’ll have to forget I existed because I am going to do the impossible, and forget that you ever did.
***
Hey you!
Now now, don’t start hyperventilating. You should work on that, by the way. Stop stressing out so much. Stop all this hands-shaking, tears-welling up and lack of breath business. Okay so I know you can’t stop it but try controlling it. It’ll get you through some really tough times later on.
Alright, now concentrate on what I am going to say for a few minutes. Put that thick book of poems down; there’s no need to copy poems from random sources and writing them down for future reference. You are never going to refer to them. Instead, why don’t you start writing some of your own stuff? Work on your creativity a little bit. It’ll get you through your English Literature paper during your A-Levels. Yes, you are going to take Lit (and you are gonna pass too) and no, you will never know why.
You have got to cut the angsty-teen crap with the parents. It’s not going to work, you are not going to get what you want. Soon, you will have a big fight with your Mom and you won’t talk to her for three months. Stop hoping that she will talk to you, it’s not going to happen. What IS going to happen is that you will end up hurting your parents. That’s not worth it. Try to prevent this fight from happening, respect their decisions and maybe understand them…okay that’s stretching it for now. Just try to respect their decisions and keep all your tantrums to yourself. Try to make that a habit because in the next couple of years, you are going to throw a lot of them which will push a lot of people away. So yeah, try to control the tantrums k?!
Your ‘Sweet Sixteen’ isn’t going to be that great. Couple of years down the line, you won’t even remember what you did on your birthday so stop driving everyone crazy with your birthday plans (pentagram shaped cakes and pitch black party themes included) (And honestly, the Wiccan phase?! Not cool. WHAT were you thinking?!). They are all going to fall through. But it’s okay. You will soon realize that birthday’s are overrated anyway.
You are going to meet a boy in about a year’s time. He’s going to change everything in your little world. Please appreciate him a little more. Don’t give up just because it’s long distance. Think of everything he has done for you and stop being a selfish bitch (Yes, work on that as well because people are going to start calling you out on that soon enough). Work on your patience and stop giving up on people. Wait. It’ll be unrealistic of me to say that even if you are all that, things will work out with him in the long run because it won’t…but make it last for as long as you can because trust me, he’ll be the one you loved the best.
You are going to fall for your best friend much later. He won’t change your world much but he will, sure as hell, change you. Resist it. Don’t let him bring out the worst in you. You are a very very difficult person. Again, be patient. Wait. And read this (and read it again if you don’t understand): He loves you a hell of a lot. Give him some credit.
Many many years later, you are going to fall again and you are going to fall hard. It’s going to be nothing like before and it will take you out of your element. You will crumble, over and over BUT you will get out knowing that you could love another that much and it’s going to make you feel better about yourself. So it’s okay, fall and fall hard mostly because there’s no way you can prevent it from happening, anyway.
(Don’t ever lose faith in love, regardless of what happens with the boys in your life. There will be instances where you seriously consider swinging the other way but don’t…men, the right ones, are worth it)
Also, wait. It’s going to be very difficult to do so in about six years but wait. It’ll be worth it.
Let go of all your anger towards your brother. Yes, you wanted to be an only child but he happened and it’s been years. He’s going to be your pillar of support soon so trust me, start to be there for him now. Be his friend and love him like you should have from day one.
Something that you will never be able to forget is going to happen next year. You are going to heal and it’s going to get sorted but please tell your parents about it. They will understand and they won’t blame you. Also, forget what happened so long ago. Don’t be angry, you can’t do anything about it. One day, you will be able to tell someone. I know you think you’ll take it to your grave but please don’t because you need to talk about it.
I know you tried some booze this year and I know you hated it. You have also tried smoking and I know you hated that as well. Please, just continue hating them. It’ll save you some trouble later.
Change your email address. As soon as possible. Please try to atleast see that ’sparkle_eyes86′ is not cool.
Learn to love yourself. You are going to cut that horse tail that passes off as hair in about three years. Don’t start crying, it’s going to look okay. About the boobs and the bum; the boobs are gonna fill out but the bum’s going to remain a disappointment. Sorry. BUT you will feel beautiful one day, regardless of what people say. Don’t hate yourself for being tall, one day you will love being tall! I would know, I am there already. STOP being so timid. Listen to your mother, you will get nowhere being timid. Speak up, stop blushing when the teacher asks you a question in class and for God’s sake, stop being so damned shy!
One last thing, go out a bit more. Stop hiding under your shell, stop being so reserved because you think people think you are a recluse. It’s a vicious cycle. Get out of it soon or you will have hell to pay when you go to College. You will also miss out on getting to know a lot of awesome people. Don’t let that happen. Please, just put those books down, take your earphones out and spend time with your friends. You will regret missing out.
Will love you soon,
Me
P.S: Stop writing so much. You will run out of time during your Economics AND Business A – Level papers because of it.
P.P.S: Don’t get the eyebrow piercing. Atleast don’t get it from the place you plan on getting it from.
P.P.P.S: Your van will come to a stop during the trials. MAKE IT WORK SOMEHOW because it’s going to be a bitch to get your license six years later.
Thanks, GutterFlower and PseudoRandom for the tag. This was fun to write! 
I am gonna cheat a bit and tag four people: Cadence, Chaarmax, RealSkullZero and Jinx. (Edit: And Mo Mo! You know I love you 
)
There’s something wonderfully alluring about a lonely heart.
It’s strange how you zone in on each others weaknesses and let THAT be a reason for an attraction. Isn’t that why women are so drawn to the mysterious shadow in the corner?! Because our tendency to be there for a lonelier person kicks in and we try to be the reason why they come out of their shell?! Doesn’t the same reasoning apply when it comes to ‘the bad boys’?!
Everyone’s in search of someone to be there for them; love and attention and more importantly, good companionship. We see it all around us; in movies, in poems, in the emails your friends send you, this never ending search to keep the loneliness at bay. So if there’s enough time in this fast FAST paced world for two random strangers to stop and be there for one another in order to not be as alone, even if it’s for the shortest of time…is that such a bad thing?!
I honestly don’t think so.
In the words of the great Joshua Radin:
“I take the blue ones every time
Walk me down your broken line
All you have to do is cry…”
~ “Closer” by Joshua Radin
Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly moody, I drag a chair out onto my balcony, wrap myself with a blankie and just sit there, taking in my neighbourhood. I mostly listen because it’s too dark to see anything unless it’s a bright night, which never happens.
I listen to the sound of a distant motorbike, whizzing by on another lane, in a hurry to get somewhere, to do something.
I listen to the flap-flap of the bats, soaring above all the rooftops.
I listen to the gentle swaying of the trees, as it dances along, lead by the wind.
I listen to a baby’s wail, piercing through some dark room, somewhere.
I listen to the monkey’s shaking a giant tree in the distant.
I listen to the laughter cackling out of a random house.
I listen and I think, it’s just…noise. And I take it for granted because it’s always there! And somehow, you just aren’t that … secluded anymore.
Which is why I hate it when I am alone in my room, right before I go to sleep. It’s dark and everything’s blocked out and all I have is just the noise in my head.
And sometimes, on certain nights, even that stops, the voices shut up too. It’s just the quiet. And that’s when it all crumbles.
From a forward, one I actually stopped to read before trashing, that Daddy dearest sent:
Life is short.
Break the rules.
Forgive quickly.
Kiss passionately.
Love truly.
Laugh constantly.
And never stop smiling …
No matter how strange life is.
Life is not always the party we expect it to be … but as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful.
Ahh if that doesn’t make you go ‘Dammit, I should stop moping over how utterly mundane my life is and maybe, live a little” … I don’t know what will.
I have been feeling absofuckinlutely, gloriously emo these days. So much so that I want to break out into ‘Use somebody’ (Pixie Lott cover, mind) at any given random moment. But I won’t. I am not that heartless and yes, I do care about noise pollution.
Why, you ask?! Oh I don’t know. Does a girl really need an excuse to be emo?! I don’t think sooooo.
I feel … I feel … I feel like I am getting left behind. Everyone’s got an itinerary and mine is wonderfully blank right now. And staring at it while wistfully thinking of all the wonderful things I could be doing doesn’t really help anyone much. Then there’s a whole story with ‘out of sight, out of mind’ which I’d rather not get into. Another one about a spinster Aunt and me thinking I am turning into her but that’s just depressing. Also, December. I have this love-hate relationship with December.
*sigh*
Okay, I am going to go off to get on someone’s nerves, oh the poor people I am meeting today.
Ah, I feel better already.
… that makes you go ‘awww’ or in other words, they don’t know you find cute:
- Getting/ordering you your favourite drink without even asking.
- Putting down the sun-shield on your side of the car if the suns glaring down at you.
- A message/call few minutes after parting ways just to say they had a good time or asking you to take care.
- Keeping tabs on you at a party even if you are both busy with your own friend circles.
- Offering you a bite of his food.
- Impromptu dizzying kisses in the middle of doing something.
- Holding hands when with friends. His friends, actually.
- Getting flustered when you pay them a compliment.
- Playing your favourite CD/song in the car without you even asking them to.
- When they listen to all your whining and actually take them seriously. And make suggestions on how to get over stuff…or usually, just to shut you up.
And we wonder why we can’t live without men. Pfft.
Okay there’s probably more but these are some right off the top of my head. I could do a longer list on: “Stuff that guys do…that pisses you off to no end” but we all know what those are so I shall not be stating the obvious.
*grins*
…is the one shared by my Mum and Dad.
Where he would call her exactly three times a day: morning as soon as he wakes up, afternoon as soon as he has lunch and at night just to summarize each others day.
Where to this day, she can say that he was the one who has made her laugh the loudest.
Where he has let her sleep instead of waking her up in the morning for the past 23 years even though he loves his morning tea.
Where she finishes off ALL her work before he comes home so that they can spend the next couple of hours together till they go to sleep.
Where he would send her an SMS saying ‘Hi 
‘ to test the water after a fight.
Where watching them work a crowd in a party together is sort of like watching a complicated but smooth dance.
Where they run all the so-called great ideas past each other, even if what their opinion of the matter at hand doesn’t really count.
Where he drags her on to the platform to sing karaoke with him at each and every party.
Where she gets up in the middle of the night to give him his midnight medicine.
Where he knows exactly what to order for her at a restaurant.
…and so many, many little things that make up who they are as a couple, as companions and as my parents.
It’s a beautiful thing to witness and I am so glad I am part of it.
So I was gifted the Twilight series by someone wonderful. All four books. I am still wondering why since I am pretty certain it’s not a birthday gift. I am sure I owe them a favour now but I shall deal with that later.
Ofcourse I started reading them like immediately. It was a life saver during the flight home as I had nothing on me to read and I was soon running along with a klutz called ‘Bella’ (Who also has the nerve to steal my baby girl’s name) and two gorgeously described men who are clearly too good for her. No, that’s not jealousy talking. Honest.
While I finished each book, I got more and more immersed into the fictitious world of vampires and werewolves and me being the person that I am with my wildly imaginative and slightly mental head, thought of how absolutely wunnerful it would be if I we had mythical creatures now.
I always thought that the myths that we have all heard of root from atleast a grain of what used to be reality a long time ago. So in other words, I do think that vampires and such existed and maybe they still do, how would I ever know for sure, yes?! It’s just that the possibility itself is intriguing enough for all sorts of nonsense and plots to form in my head. I mean, what IF there are creatures of the night lurking around us?! We already know about paranormal activities so why not believe in these myths too? It doesn’t stretch the effort to believe too much, me thinks.
But that’s not what I wanted to write about, while vampires and werewolves and other deathly form of creeps might be ‘extinct’ or has ceased to exist and what not, don’t we already live in a world full of similar parasites anyway?! The child sex tourism, the heartless beating of the mentally challenged, the creation of mass frenzy within a gullible superstitious society, the mass murder of thousands for the sake of religion…isn’t all that just as creepy to you?!
We have always scowled at the “possibility” that creatures might have existed who hunted and terrorized humans and we were portrayed to be innocent bystanders while they did their business but what about when our own turn against us, purely because they give way to the evil that’s taught to be so wrong underneath all of us?
Reality has started becoming a little more frightening than fictitious pieces of work. Boys and girls, the boogieman has gotten just a bit more real.
